old mistakes

Walking into that meeting and not seeing Blackthorn meant that Ice got shot.

Not seeing him meant we got shaken off half our coin.

It also means that he’s been watching us, waiting to rust us over with the oldest trick he knew would fool us: disappear until the Scout is gone.

All of this is completely unacceptable. Unpaid, wounded…mistakes layer on mistakes, and I feel everything slipping. I’ve been far more ragged than this, but not for a long time. Why? We have a clean crew, a reliable company I’ve come to care for. I even wrote “we” without meaning to. And for once there is something for me to push forward for, rather than look back at. That little viable hope that is waiting for me. Is it keeping me from concentrating, from doing what needs to be done? Perhaps. Make one mistake too many and it will all be for nothing. Everything I’ve done and everything Lys did…

Caban was bent over the nav seat, studying our route to nowhere. I slipped up beside him and laid my hand on his arm, just as he always used to do to me. There are lines around his eyes that weren’t there before, but his smile is still real. He’ll keep pushing until we get clear of this. Caban won’t ever quit until things are set right. We’re a lot alike, and I told him so. He blames himself for our last deal, just as I do, and perhaps just as Ice does. The one thing that hurts him the most is to see the crew banged up, especially on his account. It’s going to keep happening. We all did our jobs and it wasn’t enough. I won’t admit it’s luck, he won’t admit it failed him.

We’ll keep Running together. I gave Ice some of the coin I got from Nash Fuentes, to make sure we have fuel to keep us going. She won’t let it slip. In that moment of silent agreement, we saw in one another’s eyes another pact. Before the end we’ll both see that Blackthorn has his business done.

bargaining

“Well. Look, Doctor. You’ve been with us a time, and it’s been good, having you here. You’ve helped us out. Saved some lives, and there isn’t really anyway to thank you enough for that.” Caban paused, and I detected a flicker beneath his smooth demeanor, so slight I am sure everyone else missed it. The pause was for effect.
“The thing is…times are hard. We’ve been rusting our bolts just finding a decent job.” He didn’t say that it was Mezaro’s fault, but we all knew it was, at least as best as we could figure it. Ice and I had talked with Caban, both concurrently and separately, about remedying the situation. We needed a change to avoid dropping out of the sky.
“I think that it would make more sense if you were to find work elsewhere.”

Mezaro looked at him, a half-smile on his friendly face. “Why?”
“You had a good business before you jumped aboard with us. Now, we’re barely pulling in coin, and you’re getting the smallest cut of it.”
“You could give me a bigger cut.” Mezaro gave a moment for that to sink in, then laughed. “I don’t need a bigger cut. I got plenty of coin, I’m not worried about profit.”

Caban blinked, and I saw him calculating rapidly. Ice’s breathing changed briefly, but she did not twitch. She had been adamant that she did not trust the Doctor, despite his lifesaving work for us, he killed as easily as he healed. There was no reason for who he chose to destroy and who he chose to save.

“You did pick up and leave your business, are you concerned for how it’s faring? Your contacts left blast-end behind?”
“I was a link in the chain, there is others to replace me. Not many of ‘em knew me. And, as you say, it was a bloody business.”
“Ours isn’t much better.”
“ It’s something new, that’s what I’m after.”
“Well. What I’m trying to say is that we can’t afford to keep you aboard, Running like we are. It would be best business for you to start up again, and best for us if we could work with you as a contact on the ground. Finding us jobs.”
Mezaro considered this. “That does make some sense” he finally conceded, and Ice nearly twitched once again. “But I don’t want to stop Running. I have a taste for it now. I don’t need to get paid for being crew. Hire me as a doctor. Or I can pay you passenger wages.”

The man was dead set against leaving our ship. Caban didn’t take his coin, but he told him to think about it during our next job. I only hope we survive our next job with him aboard.

I think I forgot to mention how much I care.


How long will this go on?

passing

My fingers pick out the words on this Log almost in spite of myself. Alone, in the darkness, waiting to make a scheduled Jump that no one will see. Everyone else is asleep. As I walk through the ship I hear Em's sleepy sighs as she shifts and scratches at herself. The marks of her Chemming days will never leave her. Mezaro's room is quiet, as I walk through the other wing I hear Kon snoring. Downstairs is the typical silence from Ice's quarters, and I don't know why I expected something different from Caban's room. It is hard to imagine that man limp in sleep, though I have seen it before. All of us lie still, unaware, and in the day we pretend we don't. Even Jamieson, the most legendary Runner of our Age, drooled a little here and again.

This next jump will take us somewhere new, it doesn't matter where. Everyone will slumber through the short transition through space and arise in a different location, as dark and empty as what we left behind. I am the only one awake to see it pass.